Reuben Kaye: How my father kept my ADHD diagnosis a secret (from me and my mother)
REVEALED!
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REVEALED! 〰️
Edinburgh Fringe 2024 is here! And so is our annual features series. This year, it’s all about REVELATIONS: the gossip, the mysteries, the spies and the moles. Because everyone knows you can’t keep a secret at Edinburgh Fringe…
Reuben Kaye returns to Edinburgh Fringe with ‘Live and Intimidating’ and ‘The Kaye Hole’. Here, he tells the story of how he found out he had ADHD.
By Reuben Kaye
Hello. My name is Reuben Kaye. I am a writer, a comedian, a drag queen and most recently a sort of “celebrity”. We’ll get to that. And first off… I don’t want children. I never have wanted kids. Or anything to do with them. I know that there’s a sinister myth that drag queens are coming for the kids but let me ask you this. Have you ever met one? They’re awful. Needy, messy little things who can’t do anything for themselves, soil themselves constantly and never have any money. And children are worse.
I know a lot of other people see having kids as the only way to fix our imperilled future, but when I see the people in my friendship group who are having kids my first thought isn’t thank God YOU’RE reproducing it’s more like… Really Gary? You who still has to check both hands before knowing left from right? You, who once at a baby shower confused Nelson Mandela and Stevie Wonder? You might not be the genetic key to our salvation. And then the expense and the mess… the hours of wiping, cooing, investing. I cannot comprehend putting that amount of time, energy and money into something that isn’t me. Plus there’s so many microplastics in my system if I did by some miracle have a child it would probably come out as lego.
And to be honest my parents kind of felt the same. I’m sure I was an accident, the date of my birth lands on a date and month that leads me to suspect that I am not the result of careful planning, communication and the tender expression of true intimacy and love, but more likely the result of a hasty New Year’s shag in a broom cupboard next to bottle of greek liqueur that could also be used as brake fluid. Maybe one day that Broom Cupboard will have a Blue Plaque nailed to it.
You know when kids are described as “a handful” or “needs a lot of exercise” by exhausted parents with pleading eyes? When they sigh and say, “He’s actually lovely” then mutter “when he’s asleep”. The words said by tired parents with wide smiles showing too many teeth, gripping their coffee and wishing it was either navy strength gin or possibly a crucifix? I was that child.
My parents are lovely. They divorced when I was 8-ish. I’m sure I had nothing to do with it. I say 8-ish… My memory is hazy because I really never remember my parents fighting. A statement most mental health professionals respond to with a grave “mmmm” and more scribbling. I should say I think divorce is great. I am in such favour of divorce I almost think it should be mandatory. My parents had two wonderful kids (I assume one was me) and then divorced and by chance met the loves of their lives. I’m lucky to have two fantastic step-parents who never bargained to be the step-parent of Reuben Kaye but boy did they show up for work. Possibly with the aid of a therapist, a pharmacist and some light combat training.
No parent, step or otherwise, ever wants to admit that there might be something “different” about their little baby. But when the fire department had to be called to pull me off the roof for the third time I think my lovely, caring and incredibly conflict-averse dad hatched a plan. I never knew I was going to be a celebrity. Granted, Celebrity is a relative term. And comparison is violence so let’s not get too technical. Let’s just say an Australian celebrity and Australia’s population isn’t huge. A mere 26.1 Million people but that’s 26.1million people with exquisite taste… If you don’t count the ones sending the occasional death threats. But I like to consider them as my most ardent fans. They’re the biggest consumers of my content. I never realised I’d be on TV. In people’s living rooms where they never asked me to be. I just wanted to tell my little jokes, sing my little songs, maybe buy an apartment, find a nice football team and settle down. But now I’m not just a celebrity. I’m a voice for a community. I’m visibly queer, in the public eye which means I am both a megaphone and a target which is a fascinating but scary dichotomy but it pays the bills and perhaps if one kid feels less lonely, angry, scared than I did maybe that's the way we save society right?
Or am I just telling dick jokes for 20 minutes. I don’t know! Leave me alone!
But one day I was visiting my stepmum for a coffee, my dad had sadly died by this point but that is what parents tend to do… A cruel and unjust world where my lovely dad leaves this mortal coil at 68 while Rupert Murdoch is 105, looks like a testicle and is onto his 23rd wife. And I made a joke about me probably having ADHD as I spooned my 4th sugar into my coffee. “Oh please!” she scoffed. “Your father got you diagnosed when you were 9!”. The words just spilled out as if I was meant to know. I’d never been told. I thought about my mates who were on Ritalin, dexies etc “Your father was adamant he didn’t want you medicated,” she continued. And I can imagine why… The stigma of those drugs at the time. My dad coming from a Russian/Polish refugee family and just wanting his son to have an easy, uninhibited life.
But the big twist… He didn’t tell Mum. I assumed my mum was in on the scheme but in a twist of events, she found out when I said it during a show. Granted my mum’s sanguine response was, “Hm… Probably why he kept lighting all those fires.” And now I look back on my life and my interactions, my constant sense of confusion about how people can just sit at a desk and work. About the way people can order their day, their lives or just be “normal” in a friendship group instead of sitting in fear that you’re going to say the wrong thing or that you weren’t listening or listening too hard. Maybe I missed out on a lot of productivity, peace of mind because my dad didn’t medicate me. Maybe he saved my creativity from being stunted, I assume that was part of his fear of pills. But what I get now is a bit of the best of both worlds. Drugs have changed now, and there are so many drug free strategies to ADHD. I get to have experienced the manic, fury and joy as well as the order and calm. And hopefully talking about it in my work, my life, visible as I am means that the parent doesn’t grip their coffee cup so tightly. Their mouths don’t utter tense euphemisms about their child in the fear that they’re not “normal”. That they’re “bad parents”. And maybe some of those kids see it and feel less lonely, angry and scared than I did, maybe that’s the way we save society right?
Reuben Kaye will be at Assembly George Square (Palais Du Variete) with ‘Live And Intimidating’ running from Aug 1-25th, 8:05pm and ‘The Kaye Hole Presented By Reuben Kaye’ running from Aug 2-25th, 11:45pm. Tickets here and here
Read more about Edinburgh Fringe 2024:
