Kate Hammer: How to use your star sign as a guide to the Fringe
REVEALED!
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REVEALED! 〰️
Images: Chris Dudley
Edinburgh Fringe 2024 is here! And so is our annual features series. This year, it’s all about REVELATIONS: the gossip, the mysteries, the spies and the moles. Because everyone knows you can’t keep a secret at Edinburgh Fringe…
Kate Hammer is coming to Edinburgh Fringe with her show Double Virgin on the Rocks (With a Twist). To help you work out what shows to see, she turns to the stars for inspiration.
By Kate Hammer
There are thousands of shows at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, putting audiences between a rock and a hard place when it comes to making a decision. How can you be sure you’ll enjoy a show just from a short description, online recommendations, or a very hot member of the cast telling you it’s the best thing you’ll ever see while giving you a flyer?
As a queer woman it is my legal duty to solve every problem with the grounded approach of astrology. That’s right – your next ideal show has been written in the stars.
Through this guide, you’ll realise you’re not stuck in a hard place, as much as you are in a zone of opportunity: what’s above you isn’t a rock, it’s a moon charged crystal.
Let's reveal your ideal show matches (in the order I remember them):
SAGITTARIUS
I see a musical improv show in your future…and a great pair of sunglasses. But let’s focus on the show – you’ll find them through a flyer while exiting another show and it’ll blow your mind. All of your friends will pat you on the back for having a fantastic intuition for shows and you’ll cry a bit but they won’t be able to see. Because you’re wearing sick new sunglasses. You know what? This is fun, I don’t know why I’ve waited so long to get into telling people what to do communicating with the stars.
VIRGO
Let's be honest, you've already mapped out your Fringe schedule to the minute. But it could always be tighter. Why eat lunch when you could cram in another immersive theatre piece? Have you balanced comedy with corporeality mime? Oh god, you're going to have to start over, aren't you?
TAURUS
This is my sign! But don’t worry, I won't treat it any differently than the others. You’re stunning, by the way. There’s just something about how the light catches your eyes, even in a dark room… You’re also very loyal, so go to a show by someone you’ve seen previously. It’s not about being afraid of change, it’s about supporting the people you love. The no-change thing is just a bonus! You’re beautiful.
CANCER
Go to a stand up show that you know you won’t like. It might not feel good at the time, but it will give you a story for the rest of the year which is worth it. At the end, you’ll try to offer a fiver but they won’t have change for your ten. Don’t worry, this only adds to your anecdote.
GEMINI
You're naturally curious, which some may see as intriguing and cute! But in the world of the Fringe, it makes you indecisive and weak. Go see a split bill so you won’t feel any FOMO, and buy a nearby Taurus a drink. It’s important, trust me.
LEO
You’re so full of confidence and self-esteem that you can start your own, one-person show in the middle of the street. The street performers will throw you evil glances, but they’re just jealous of your raw talent. Let’s hear you roar.
SCORPIO
Theatre.
AQUARIUS
Something political, something with edge, something that says, “what if someone bathed themselves in marmite?” That person is a Taurus, you’re going to love them.
LIBRA
Get in touch with your inner child and see a kids’ show. If the performer asks where your kid is you can freak out and ‘look’ for them. It may feel embarrassing, but what’s more child-like than a white lie and running away from your problems?
ARIES
You WILL see the most shows. You WILL have the most celebrity run-ins. You WILL burn out by day three and spend the rest of the week watching Friends. I won’t tell anyone. I’m a Taurus.
CAPRICORN
You enjoy the finer things in life. For you? Five star shows only, maybe a 4.5 if you’re feeling risky.
PISCES
After a day of seeing shows you’ve planned and heard good things about, you’ll pass an Uber driver yelling at people blocking the street. There will be a Taurus nearby you, looking hot. This, you’ll think to yourself, is the real Fringe.
I hope this helps guide you, and that you have a very happy Fringe! If you have any complaints, talk to your parents for birthing you in the wrong month.
Kate Hammer: Double Virgin on the Rocks (With a Twist) runs at The Stand 5 from August 18-25th, 5:40pm. Tickets here
Read more about Edinburgh Fringe 2024:
