Chris Weir: The Worst Gays in History, Revealed
REVEALED!
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REVEALED! 〰️
Image: Andrew Jackson @cursetheseeyes
Edinburgh Fringe 2024 is here! And so is our annual features series. This year, it’s all about REVELATIONS: the gossip, the mysteries, the spies and the moles. Because everyone knows you can’t keep a secret at Edinburgh Fringe…
Chris Weir is debuting at the Edinburgh Fringe with Well Flung. While we believe that no queer person has ever done a single thing wrong in all of history, Chris clearly disagrees and has compiled a list of the worst gays ever.
By Chris Weir
One of the great privileges of being a gay performer is I get to represent and be a hero to every gay man across the world, regardless of age, culture, religion or whether they even want that (YOU’RE WELCOME). But let’s not forget that beyond my heavenly glow, there are those throughout history who walked a much darker path.
This is: The Official List of the Worst Gays in History.
Alexander the Great. He certainly was THAT bitch. His expansion efforts are responsible for the deaths of hundreds and thousands of people, and the eradication of many cultures. This is generally considered a faux pas.
Mark (last name unknown). A man I went on a date with that spoke with the booming voice of a game show host: CHRIS! HI! TERRIFIC TO MEET YOU! Over the course of the hour, as my ability to hear dulled, I answered every question he asked of me with both speed and accuracy. My hobbies, favourite films, the square root of 81. I smiled for the (admittedly non-existent) cameras. And yet, despite my perfect performance, it became apparent this game show fraud wouldn’t be gifting me any prizes, and I left the coffee shop sad and dishwasher-less.
Ronnie Kray was known for murder, armed robbery, arson, and racketeering (tennis?). We love a versatile King, but these extra-curriculars give me pause. Swipe left!
A man (I want to say, Lucifer himself?!) who stood me up for a date and never contacted me again. While most have said that the death penalty feels appropriate here, this incident contains multitudes because it was April Fool’s Day, and I can’t decide if this prank was either the cruellest thing one can do to a person (specifically me), or legendary, worthy of the Ashton Kutcher oeuvre. History is complex and not always black and white, but one thing’s for certain: he sure got me!!
Scar. Everybody loves an underdog, or in this case, an underlion. But sometimes Scar’s sassy one-liners and ascension plots went too far: like when he dropped his brother into a stampede and brought shame to the (gay) pride. That being said, his song “Be Prepared” wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, and that would drive anyone a little power crazy! I hope he gets the help he needs.
Boring gays (collective). Not since the biblical plague of locusts has such a scourge threatened our existence on this Earth. For there to be an entire population so wilful to ignore the principle that conversation is transactional is an affront. I wait at night, terrified, for that initial message “hey” on Grindr, to be followed by other monosyllabic phrases and the eventual taking over of the conversation by me just to give it some chance of survival. We beg you; learn an anecdote (yours or someone else’s!). Prepare a few interesting topics to chat about. Try speaking in riddles? But most importantly, walk into a rainforest and never return.
Trent. We’ve all fallen for the bad boy at one point or another. In doing so, we accept the double-edged sword of their roguish attraction and the danger that accompanies it. Maybe they’re the leader of a gang, or they ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Maybe they just have a toothpick in their mouth at all times, risking a gum injury. My experience was much more sinister. We first connected over Facebook, where his job was listed as Assistant Manager of a Marks and Spencer’s. Upon meeting, however, I soon discovered he hadn’t worked there in months!! Not updating your socials bio? Classic bad boy, truly unhinged.
And as for the guy I had a holiday fling with last year? Come to my Fringe show Well Flung to find out if he made the list…
Chris Weir: Well Flung is at Gilded Balloon Patter House (Bothie) Jul 31-Aug 26th (except 14th), 2.40pm. Tickets here
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