“In one rehearsal, I told the other two I saw myself as ‘captain of the troupe’. The improvisation immediately turned into them mockingly saluting me, ‘Captain, my Captain’. It was hilarious but also, if I'm honest, a bit humiliating.”

“This is the book that promises to teach you how to dominate every room, manipulate every social interaction and generally become the sort of person people describe as ‘intense’. These 6 power moves will help you maximise your Edinburgh Fringe visit.”

“It’s a little known fact, but this is why dogs are so loyal to their owners. Every time a dog is adopted, their new owner brings them to a bar and buys them a shot.”

“Dethroned, I had to crawl back and grovel, hoping that my friends would let me back into the inner circle. In an instant, my entire social standing lay in the hands of three prepubescent girls.’

“Staying in control is one of the keys to a happy life, but any therapist will tell you, how can you expect to control yourself, if you don’t first control the lives of those around you?”

“My heart dropped out my arse when I saw a fellow comedian's prestigious producer/venue bill, where the £14k they had amassed in ticket sales profit had been whittled down through costs to a shiny £28.”

“Once I’m done eating the bugs I’ve found under my house, I’d probably just proceed to carry my house around with me, like a classy little evening clutch bag.”

“Early on in the planning, I decided that I wanted to heelie at my wedding. I didn’t know if it would be down the aisle or in the first dance. But I knew that if I wanted to, I could heelie anywhere and at any time I liked.”

“Whilst I have been busy prancing away, my family have been inventing and discovering things that have changed and even saved countless people’s lives! So here I am to prove that even though they may have achieved all these things…we are exactly the same!”

“While other kids were freely collecting CDs and watching MTV, I was building a mental list. Nothing makes something more appealing than telling a child they absolutely cannot have it.”

“Television, much like my waist size, is more than just a medium. It's a powerful outlet for artists to communicate diverse stories.”

“Screw what anyone else is doing – do what you want, who you want and how you want to do it. This is your Edinburgh Fringe and that's your PREROGATIVE”

“Like a priceless Patek Philippe watch, fragile masculinity and emotional constipation is yours to protect and pass on to your male heirs.”

“The rumours of the night are wrong. This wasn’t just a relinquishing of power, a decision about the future of Labour. To me, the Granita was an intimate candlelit table for two. The Granita was Tony wearing a crisp blue shirt and asking whether I wanted to share some garlic bread. I did not want the garlic bread. I wanted him.”

‘Some of you might say: “Marty, there has never been a Mayor of the Fringe before, we don’t think we need one.” And to that I will gently press my whole hand to your mouth and say “questions at the end”.’

“Look at the world now. Led by sociopaths. Men at the peak of their mediocrity, but power hungry. And two of the great, aged fulcrums we hinge that power on are Patriotism and God. Why? Because both still hold power.”

“Unfair that they call the movie Jaws, as I feel the teeth did all the work. A shark is not scary without its teeth. The teeth do all the heavy lifting. Imagine if the shark had no teeth. He has no other moves.”

“Welcome to fat healthcare, where no matter why you step over the threshold, whether it's an ear infection from a filthy waterpark pool or a rash from a nickel necklace an ex swore was real gold, you are leaving with an unsolicited weight consultation.”

“As a stand up comedy reviewer, you see some pretty crazy things! I’ve been reviewing comedy for nearly a month now, and that’s been enough time for me to consider myself to have insightful takes on the industry, so here are the five craziest things I’ve ever seen.”

“‘They don’t build statues of critics.’ But oh, what a world it would be if they did! Me and Brian Logan, arm in arm, astride a lion in Trafalgar Square.”

“The next Friday, I arrived at work with a mission. I would send an email to the entire company to order burritos, but I would make sure my email was better than the dull kebab email. I would make it funny. Yes, I would mock the kebab folks.”

“Most people don’t even know they ate their twin. Their parents never think to tell them. I’ve discovered that there is an epidemic of twin eaters on the comedy circuit: Roger O’Sullivan, Katie Norris, and Ted Hill to name and shame them.”

“As soon as a rung is climbed, you have to start the process again, explaining to a fresh underling who you are, what you want and what you need. Each of them has the power, if they wish, to delay the process by weeks or months either through their own inaction or deliberate ill will.”

“They say it’s human nature to make mistakes... and to not want to apologise for them. Because apologising sucks and should be avoided at all costs.”

“I now work as a teaching assistant in a primary school. Initially, I was hoping I would only do it for a month before getting rescued by the chance to be on a panel show I had never heard of. After about a week at this job, I began to enjoy my new sense of responsibility and it helps that I seem to actually be good at this.”

‘I’ve always been drawn to medieval female mystics. They’re all just queer-coded undiagnosed neurodivergent weirdos who dodged their social responsibilities by answering a higher calling. What’s not to love!”

“Most people are standing in the way of their own power. Often because they stop to question whether power is really what’s going to make them happy. Don’t make that mistake. Follow these steps to use confidence to gain and exploit trust for your own advantage.”

“Fundamentally, it’s like I always say: stop stepping in dog mess, and start stepping into your power. And you’d do well to remember it could always be worse.”

“I've spent the last few thousand years circulating among royalty, aristocrats, artists, poets and assorted public nuisances. I've attended their banquets, survived their scandals, witnessed their affairs and, in one regrettable case, briefly married one of them.”

“Power doesn't always have to come from wealth, status or influence, sometimes it can come from everyday moments. Here are five ways you can take it.”