Zoë Coombs Marr’s Guide to Gossip
REVEALED!
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REVEALED! 〰️
Edinburgh Fringe 2024 is here! And so is our annual features series. This year, it’s all about REVELATIONS: the gossip, the mysteries, the spies and the moles. Because everyone knows you can’t keep a secret at Edinburgh Fringe…
Zoë Coombs Marr is bringing Every Single Thing In My Whole Entire Life to the Edinburgh Fringe. Here, she tells us why gossip is so important and how to do it properly.
By Zoë Coombs Marr
Goss. I love goss. Give me the goss. Put it in my veins. Feed me that goss like a foie gras goose or like that old woman who swallowed the fly and then the spider and then the bird and then the cat and the dog and the cow and the horse, except that instead of a fly and a spider and a bird and a cat and a dog and a cow and a horse it’s goss and goss and goss and goss and goss and goss and goss.
Oh what a boss, when she swallowed that goss. Perhaps she’ll… toss? Toss us some goss, that is! (Because I heard that the dog and the cow were fucking. I KNOWWW! Scandalous. Yum yum. Tell me more.)
I am a goss apologist. It’s how we share important information and regulate bad behaviour and it’s also DELICIOUS. Gossip gets a bad name, but only because of amateur gossips who don’t know how to gossip properly and ruin it for the rest of us. Women’s magazines and those little almanacs for boys and girls should come with a section on gossiping. They should teach it in school and business degrees and in scouts. And the Edinburgh Fringe should start with an introductory session on the tactics and ethics of gossiping, because it is a virtual cesspit of the stuff and it’s not for the faint hearted.
Being a goss aficionado isn’t easy. It takes finesse. Patience. Sensitivity. It’s a delicate balance of spilling beans and also hoarding and protecting those same beans. The aim is to entertain as many people as possible while making sure no one actually gets hurt. It’s an art.
So how should one handle the precious windfall that is a nugget of juicy news? Should you be lucky enough to find yourself in the possession of such a gem, it’s thrilling. It’s easy to lose your head. But against all odds, this news has found its way to you. You are now its guardian.
So, what to do with it?
“You can’t go around spilling the beans and flinging them into the air willy nilly”
You could hold it tight to your chest and never tell anyone ever, which is, frankly, boring and selfish. It may seem ethically sound, but let me ask you this – who the hell do you think you are to keep this all for yourself?! Hmm?! There are hungry people all around and you’re not going to share?! You’re just going to hoard it like that guy on Alone with all that dried fish?! Clutching onto it as it loses relevance and goes stale and everyone, including you, starves. And for what?! Some kind of higher moral ground that once again only YOU even know about? Shame on you.
No. It can’t be. Don’t be stingy.
But you can’t be too generous either.
I see so many budding young gossips (especially in the comedy industry, because let’s be honest, it’s full of them) making this fatal mistake. They get excited. Giddy. They gush.
You can’t go around spilling the beans and flinging them into the air willy nilly (ps did you hear that Willy Nilly is a certain someone’s code name on onlyfans? Yes, THEM. I knowwwww. I got it from a very reputable source) treating them like something cheap and replaceable, treating them like, well, beans. These beans are no ordinary beans, these are magic beans, special beans… I let him go, I didn’t know he’d stolen my beans! I was watching him crawl back over the wall when BANG, CRASH! The lightning flash! And…. Sorry, that’s the lyrics to the witches rap from Stephen Sondheim’s into the woods that I just started typing out instead of writing a comedy article about secrets, never mind. But while we’re on it, did you know that Stephen Sondheim was a Grade A Gossip. Of course he was.
So much so that when his late friend and collaborator Arthur Laurent left his papers, including letters from Sondheim, to the Library of Congress (with unrestricted access) Sondheim put a gag order on their being published, because the contents were just TOO JUICY. Bravo.
The papers are still there, with unrestricted access – so for anyone who really wants the details of 1960s gay orgies and sick burns about Barbra Streisand, the library is open! (And if a literal library card’s not a fair price to pay for a good read, I don’t know what is)
But I digress.
You simply can’t go around flinging beans. It’s gauche. It’s reckless. Stephen wouldn’t do it. Sure, you’ll have a ball at the time, “Look at me! Flinging beans! I’m the centre of attention!”. And yes, for one magic night you’ll be popular. Surrounded by adoring fans, squawking gulls hungry for a piece of your piping hot gossip chips. But the next day, when the chips are all eaten, the gulls have flown away, what then? Now even the gulls keep their distance, looking at you with a mistrustful side eye. They’ve seen what you’ve done. Your reckless flinging of beans. And now an eerie quiet will start to fall around you. Here you are, picking crushed fagiolo out of the carpet. It’s in your hair too. All over you, in fact. You’re branded. A dirty gossip. And no-one wants to tell you a single secret.
Now they’re gossiping about you being a gossip, and how you gossiped too feely and how you revealed the sources of your gossip, and uh-oh – now you’re meta gossip.
You can say goodbye to the good stuff. The juicy stuff, the fresh stuff. Only the truly worthy get to eat first. From now on, all you’ll be given is day old goss – the stale stuff that everyone knows. The leftover carcass that’s already been picked over.
So, don’t be stingy, but keep your cool. Hold your ground, and hold your beans. Be discerning. Be considered.
But most importantly, if you remember nothing else but this, the number one rule, should you find yourself in the possession of a juicy tidbit. Please, please. I beg of you… whatever you do: make sure you tell ME.
Zoë Coombs Marr: Every Single Thing In My Whole Entire Life is at Monkey Barrel 4 from 30th July – 25th August, 5pm (except 7th,14th,21st). Tickets here
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