Lauren Pattison: Why Ralph the dog was the best decision I ever made
Image: Matt Crockett
Lauren Pattison has the cutest dog in the world, according to fact. Here she tells us why welcoming Ralph into her life was the best decision she’s ever made.
Four years ago, I got a new flatmate. He pissed on my floor within minutes of arriving, never offered anything towards bills and would regularly run off with my underwear. He got grouchy if I didn’t prepare his tea the exact moment he was hungry and once wiped his arse on my pillowcase. He immediately became my best friend.
I’d never had a pet until Ralph. Not a goldfish, not a hamster, certainly not a dog. I’d wanted one so badly, but growing up my parents liked their carpets to be clean too much to relent to my pleas. I was the girl who made a beeline for the dog at a house party and would sit cross legged on the floor pouring all my effort into befriending them rather than the humans battered on Cherry Sourz in the next room. I became an adult and moved out, and after years of renting and living with friends, enemies, strangers and boyfriends, I found myself back up North and living alone for the first time.
Finally, nobody could stop me! So, in January 2021, Ralph arrived.
I named him Ralph for two reasons: firstly, because of the cinematic masterpiece Wreck It Ralph. Secondly, so that together we could be Ralph – Lauren.
I never quite expected how much I could love someone that I’ve never actually had a conversation with, someone who doesn’t speak my language, nor do I his. I certainly never anticipated my greatest source of comfort, joy and occasionally frustration would be an 8kg jackapoo, but life is full of surprises.
Getting a dog has been the best decision I ever made, and I once made a macaroni cheese with five different types of cheese, so I’ve made some pretty good decisions in the past.
The puppy days were adorable and terrifying in equal measures, particularly for a first-time pet parent. Whoever was monitoring my Google searches in those first couple of months must have had a good laugh at my frantic expense as I found myself searching for answers on new questions I’d never asked before on a weekly basis. Is it OK if my dog eats a Dorito? Is it OK if my dog eats one contraceptive pill? Every time he fell asleep, I would immediately wake him up because I thought he had died. Eventually, the blind panic subsides, and you realise you’re actually doing a pretty good job of keeping this distantly related wolf alive.
Ralph’s reminded me how important it is to find joy in the little things every day. I love when he sighs, like he’s the one responsible for paying Council Tax. I love when he follows me to the toilet and stands guard, in case danger arrives when I am caught short. I love when people tell me how adorable he is when we’re on a walk, and I beam with pride as if I carried him for nine months and birthed him myself. I love when he sneezes in my partner's face first thing in the morning.
I hadn’t really thought about how dogs have personalities, and I learned pretty quickly I’d picked a weird, funny little creature. It takes one to know one I suppose. Ralph went through a phase during toilet training where I would wake up every morning to find he had pooed in my ensuite. I felt like I couldn’t be mad, technically he was in the right place. He once emerged from a bush clutching a Greggs sausage roll in his mouth and carried it for the duration of our walk like it was his most prized possession. He pretends he can’t jump onto the bed or the sofa to trick my partner into getting up so he can steal his spot. He only lets me get his eye snots if I let him eat them after.
But for all that he is weird, he is also truly wonderful. Even my parents turn a blind eye when he gets mud on their cream carpet. I haven’t just gained a pet or a family member. I’ve gained a friend, a loyal companion, a therapist with unorthodox methods.
He knows when I’m sad (semi-regular occurrence) or when I have a tummy ache (regular occurrence) and he’ll cosy up to me, not leaving my side because he knows he can’t make me a cup of tea, but he can simply be there. Or he will repeatedly hit me with his paw until I perk up, but there’s nothing wrong with a bit of tough love every now and then.
It doesn’t matter that we don’t speak the same language really, because we show each other we love each other every day. It’s a love built on cuddles and cheese, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Lauren Pattison is on tour with her show Big Girl Pants from March 2nd-June 22nd. All dates, tickets and info here!
