Mice, buns and magic elixirs: Greta Titelman’s Fairytale Fantasy Fringe

Fantasy Fringe

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Fantasy Fringe 〰️

Image: Hadley Rosenbaum

We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.

Read all about an Edinburgh Fringe day in the life of perfect princess Greta Titelman, for whom every day will be just as perfect as her.

I wake up to the stunning sound of bagpipes bouncing around the walls of my flat. Morning light pours in as I slowly rise out of my fluffy bed, my three and a half meters of thick golden blonde hair falls down my back tied in one stunning braid. I get out of bed and do my morning twirl in my delicate linen and lace nightgown. Yum! Is that the scent of warm coffee and a cardamom bun fresh from the oven?! I take the blanket on my bed and give it one shake and say “voila!”, my bed is perfectly made! Out to the kitchen I go! It appears the three little mice that live in my flat have been busy preparing me the most gorgeous breakfast! Fresh fruit, fried eggs with orange yolks and of course those buns! The one mouse, Louie, comes and pours me a cup of coffee, then his brother TimTam brings me my bun. I bite into it, it's warm and gooey and heavenly, and the coffee, an Americano, is perfect.

Time to get dressed! But what on earth do I wear? Luckily Louis and TimTam’s third sibling, Charisse is an amazing fashion designer and the moment I stand, she brings in her staff (doves, squirrels and one bunny) to help put it together. A periwinkle corset with a matching HUGE hoop skirt, tied together with a velvet peach bow, why I’m ready to hit the town!

The castle in the distance, I march through the gorgeous streets of Edinburgh, singing to the townspeople at every turn. I’m actually so good at singing, it becomes a full on musical where we sing a song called “gorgeous day, beautiful day” (those are the only lyrics of the song) and everyone is also wearing stunning coordinated outfits made by Charisse and her team. After we finish that song, clumsy me trips and I fall into the arms of a literal Prince. He asks if I’m okay and I snap at him “Of course I’m okay dumbass!” And I carry on with my day!

I meet up with my friends and we giggle, no words, just giggles. But oh no…when I try to speak…my voice is gone! All of the giggling took my voice! Oh no! How am I going to find a voice in time to perform my sold out show tonight?! I panic. My friends tell me they know just the person who can bring my voice back to me.

Mixtress Margie is famous for her magic elixirs. I rush into her apothecary, holding my throat, she instantly knows my voice is gone. She tells me all she needs is hot water, lemon and honey. I use my eyes to say “that’s it? That’s your magic elixir?” She said, “yes bitch, take it or leave it hon”. So I pay her like twenty quid and take her elixir. One sip and it instantly heals me. My voice is better than ever, like the loveliest song bird from heavens above!

I go home to change for my show, and the mice have surprised me with a roast and Charisse has made a full sequin costume inspired by Cher for me to wear to my show. I put it on — of course, it fits perfectly. I eat my meal that doesn’t make me bloated and I go off to perform my show!

Mixtress Margie’s elixir made my voice so powerful and flawless that all the townspeople and the townsanimals make their way to me. Unicorns, centaurs, jack rabbits etc… all come to watch me perform in all my glory and of course the Prince who is sad that he’ll never have a chance, but will always cherish the story of my rejection. The show ends, people in tears of joy! They have never seen anyone or anything like me before, I blush and say “I know!” And off to bed I go.

Having already talked to the moon and the stars, I know they are prepared to shine just right and give me the most blissful of dreams. I put on my crisp nightgown, brush my flowing locks, say goodnight to the mice and tuck myself in for another perfect night's sleep where I will surely wake up the next morning ready for another fairytale day in Edinburgh.

Greta Titelman’s Exquisite Lies will run at the Pleasance Courtyard August 4-28th, 8:10pm, tickets here.